


Internal Affairs

by Neuriel (Robin)



Series: SG-Thor [2]
Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-22
Updated: 2009-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-24 00:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1584233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin/pseuds/Neuriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every SG team needs a whore.  Unfortunately for Martouf, he's SG-Thor's.</p><p>Crack!fic. SG-1/Atlantis crossover. Sequel to "Team SG-Thor."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Internal Affairs

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Internal Affairs  
> By: Robin  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Category: Pure crack!fic. _SG-1_ / _Atlantis_ crossover.  
>  Spoilers: Up through Season 7 of _Stargate SG-1_ ; _Atlantis_ Season 4 through "Lifeline"  
>  Notes: Sequel to "Team SG-Thor". You must read that fic to understand this one.  
> Thanks: to Rose Wilde Irish and Kyrdwyn for their betas!

Martouf had never been much of a ladies' man. There had only been two (three) women in his life - Rosha (Jolinar) and Samantha Carter. (Martouf quickly learned never to bring up Samantha's name around Elizabeth. Elizabeth would get twitchy, which in turn would make the nanites twitchy.) Like most Tok'ra, he did not even know how to flirt, and while he was polite to everyone, he did not make himself overly familiar with strangers. Certainly, he was no John Sheppard, Jack O'Neill, or Daniel Jackson. Therefore, it was disturbing to realize that he had, through absolutely no fault of his own, become the slut of SG-Thor.

This horrified him. Lantash, not so much. It seemed that, having been resurrected, Lantash decided he and Martouf needed to make the most out of their new life. And if that involved sleeping with numerous beautiful alien women, well, then, so be it. Besides, Lantash had hundreds of years' worth of knowledge and experience, and it was about time that he put that experience to good use.

While everyone else had their fair share of alien admirers, even Ford (some liked his face, thought it gave him character), women seemed to flock to Martouf in record numbers. Many even tried, through various means and devices, mostly "ancient rituals" and "religious customs" that involved a large amount of alcohol and/or drugs, to marry him. This unwanted attention earned him the ribbing of his fellow crew members - even Jonas, who, having been the temporary SG-1 whore in Daniel's absence, should have been more empathetic.

After his fifth time waking up in an alien bed, Martouf decided that this had to stop.

'Why are you complaining?' Lantash asked. 'Surely you aren't still pining over Samantha. She's practically married to O'Neill, last I heard.'

'I'm not,' Martouf lied stiffly. He _was_ still pining (oh, Samantha!), but Tok'ra pride prevented him from admitting any such thing. He then wondered how it was possible for Lantash to know something he didn't. Had Lantash been using his body...?

'Then what is the problem?' Lantash interrupted quickly, having sensed Martouf's thoughts. 'Don't you find the women we encounter attractive?'

'Most are very lovely,' Martouf admitted. 'I'd just prefer to get to know a woman before I sleep with her. I'd like to learn about her personality, her interests, her hobbies.'

'Seriously? Are you _insane_?'

'Lantash!'

'Look, Martouf. I finally have a sex drive again, and I _like_ it. Having beautiful women throw themselves at us is a god-send. You're a fool if you take that for granted, especially after, you know, dying.'

'I think connecting with someone on a mental and emotional level is much better than the purely physical,' Martouf said coolly.

'Well, there's no reason you can't "emotionally connect" with these women _after_ we've slept with them,' Lantash said.

'Except that once we complete our missions, we always leave the planets, never to return,' Martouf pointed out.

Lantash refrained from saying: 'Duh, that's the entire point.' Instead, recognizing that it'd take a lot longer than a five-minute argument to convince Martouf to give up his wussy ideals, Lantash said: 'Martouf, either you're with me, or I take over your body and hit on Elizabeth.'

'You wouldn't!' Martouf gasped, horrified.

'Why not? Have you seen her? She's hot.'

'She's our _leader_.'

'And?'

'It would be awkward and unprofessional and kind of sleazy. Also, doesn't she have a thing for one of those Lanteans?'

'You don't really think she's _saving_ herself for him, do you?'

Actually, that was _exactly_ what Martouf had thought. He didn't reply, but his silence was enough.

Lantash sighed. 'Martouf, I like you. Really. You're a nice guy, a good host, and the ladies love you. I admit that, without you, I'd have no sex at all. I don't want to force you if I don't have to. That would be Goa'uldish, and neither of us want that, right? So, how about we compromise? I'll leave Elizabeth alone in exchange for an occasional fling with an alien babe.'

Martouf knew blackmail when he heard it. Unfortunately, he would not put it past Lantash to do as he had threatened. Martouf liked Elizabeth too much to ruin their friendship by sleeping with her when he had no control over his own actions. Besides that, her nanites were frightening when she was angry. Ultimately, Martouf had little choice - he would have to do as Lantash demanded, though he would not be happy about it.

'I suppose intercourse once every few months is not too much to ask,' Martouf allowed reluctantly.

'Good,' Lantash said decisively. 'Then we have a deal.'

Martouf was suspicious of Lantash's sudden acceptance; the Tok'ra had agreed to Martouf's stipulation much too quickly, without even attempting to bargain. As it turned out, Martouf had every right to suspect Lantash's motives. In the private corners of his mind, Lantash the worm was pleased - he had gotten Martouf to agree to sex on a regular basis; it was merely a matter of time before 'every few months' became 'every month' and then 'any time an incredibly hot alien chick throws herself at us.'

Frowning, Martouf started to question the Tok'ra. Luckily for Lantash, the lovely alien girl next to them woke up, quite amorous, and all three were distracted for the next half an hour.

\---  
end


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